Some goddesses are puzzled by this...like me...
I think I'd be a better mom if they put me back on tranquilizers. I'm sure the kids would like me better, and that glowing fog sure would mute these depressive spirals.
I wasn't going to post because I'm so exhausted, but the kids have managed to start their first day of high school without any major problem. One more milestone passed.
Pain visited again on Monday and wasn't a polite guest, so I didn't sleep that night but stayed up to wake the kids and see them to their first day. Sometimes I don't know why I bother to push. I pushed on through the day and into the afternoon, just thinking I'd stay up long enough to find out about the first day of school and then collapse. I'd had Rick stay home to help me because I felt so awful.
I should have known better than to push that hard, but I so wanted to be there for the kids. I was in bad enough shape that the boy and I ended up having words because of the way he treats his sister and the way he was treating me when I was trying to find out what kind of haircut he wanted. [Note to self, let dad deal with teenagers when I'm in this much pain.]
I always bring on pissy attitudes and the sulks. I probably was impatient and snapped at him about the short timing and the effort it takes to drive 20 miles to get anything done. This haircut came out of the blue because his adductor muscle is still strained and he was going to have to sit out of practice. So, for him, it was a logical jump to have mom drive him into Hood River for a haircut when he wouldn't miss practice and would be ready, and able to see, by the game on Friday.
For me, it was an impossibility that made me depressed because I couldn't do it and was disappointed in myself, as I didn't have half my vision field clear...it was throwing spots like a psychedelic movie and it was becoming increasingly difficult to think through the pain. I was glad that Rick was there, and I could ask him to cover it.
But I was hurt that there was no concept that dad had stayed home because MOM was sick and MOM was too sick to drive him anywhere so he was being a demanding, self-involved teenage boy. (Do they ever get better? They must, his father is one of the most loving and patient men I know. There's more than one reason I married him. Though he'd tell you it was just the great sex. *grin*)
I know I jumped him about his chores and his laundry that has somehow piled up on his floor again in less than 24 hours. :| I got impatient when he couldn't pick out a hairstyle on line that would actually cut off enough of the extra growth to clear his vision, and I made the mistake of smacking his arm when he rudely popped off to his sister to shut up.
I hate that tone of voice, and I hate the way it makes his sister shrink inside; hel, I shrink inside when he uses it on me. I shouldn't have smacked the arm, that just escalated his behavior, but it was such a reflex when he used that nasty tone that I've been on him about for weeks.
We've ALL been trying to be better and more loving to each other. It's hard when you all have stresses and physical demands that seem to grow by the minute and are all intelligent enough to want to be treated like rational PEOPLE, whether you are acting like one at the current moment or not. :?
As a goddess of pain, I suck as a mom. I know that I finally retired from the field and left it all to dad because I was crying and depressed and at the point of wondering why I even put out the effort to exhaust myself when it's just taken for granted that I can do more when I'm already so overloaded I O.D'd on the pain meds just to get through their first day.
I'm wishing I felt more of the triumph and accomplishment I was feeling as I watched them walk into the school this morning, but the depression is bad enough that it's hard to see beyond it. I know that the girl tried to cuddle up next to me last night and help me to feel better, but when you feel like a failure it's hard to see accomplishment in being comforted by a 13 year old.
I should though. We're obviously doing something right, the compassion and caring were being expressed, and her very loving presence helps me to feel a bit better thinking about it now. And I know her brother feels them too; even if he demonstrates it at the weirdest moments. :)
It's hard to deal with a mom who's chronically depressed and in pain most of the time. I think they do better than I have any right to expect.
Enough of my five minutes of whining. I'm sure the kids will do something sterling today that will inevitably make this mom's new day SHINY.
I just have to look at the sky and try to remember optimism and the power of positive thinking, right? [Did whoever said that have teenagers?]
from a whiny puzzled goddess trying to make herself a better mom
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